Dear Diary, Carlo Sat Beside Me Today – Or Some Shit Like That

I’m gonna pull a Dear Diary up in here since it’s been a long time since my last post and I dunno if I can organize my thoughts enough to write something coherent. Need to get something up on the blog, however, just to make sure I still can and the only way I can think of doing that is by shoving updates in your throat. Updates. Of the life I lead. You can click close if you want now.

Anyway, I would love to say that the reason behind me not posting anything since February is that I lead such an exciting life filled with parties, orgies, and all sorts of perverted debauchery, but people who have an idea who I am know that the most exciting thing that happened to me this year is I got a Kindle. Which is the main reason behind the extended absence since I spend every waking minute with my nose in the device and my mind in whichever fictional world I’m currently reading about.

I mean, who has time keeping up to date with current events when you get to experience Panem and the Hunger Games? Who wants to know which politician stole how much when you’ve been crying your eyes out when The Freys butchered your boy Robb and most of his bannermen? And I really couldn’t care less how Cristy Fermin is faring these days (prolly still going for the tsismosa sa tabi ng kalye look) when I’ve been spending my days with tall men with broad shoulders and calloused hands spewing romantic lines no man in my real world will ever be caught dead doing – much less pulling off.

So, suffice it to say, I’ve been reading my eyes out since I got Amazon’s literary version of crack. But I did say updates, didn’t I? Let’s pull up the ever helpful bullet points then to help illustrate how close I am to old maidenhood.

• Hunger Games the movie came out and I’m still not sure if I love it. The book version of Hunger Games was the first ever book I read with my Kindle, so it holds a special place in my heart, if only for that. The book is so much more than just the book that popped my Kindle cherry, however, since it was brilliant. Katniss is strong and her love for her sister heartbreaking, Effie is an adorable little pet, and Peeta will forever be the kind of guy I want my future daughter to be dating. Of course, if I had a daughter, chances are she’d join a cult as soon as she was able then get them to break into my house in the middle of the night to murder me, but that’s neither here nor there.

The movie, while managing to capture some of the love Katniss has for Prim and  the heartbreaking aftermath of Rue’s death, didn’t succeed in convincing me of the Peeta-Katniss connection nor the violence of the Games. There was no kilig moment nor were there enough scenes to underscore how much the Games were a twisted version of Big Brother or Survivor.

• Game of Thrones is back. At last, more Cersei. It’s weird how I loathe the book Cersei with every fiber of my being – almost as much as I loathe Joffrey – but I can never get myself to hate Lena Headey’s Cersei. She’s just so disturbed and manipulative in a sexy and vulnerable kind of way that I can totally get why her twin brother has been banging her. I’d bang her. And apparently, the HBO version of Salladhor Saan would love to bang her too. Jamie, in both the book and the TV series, is also pretty bang-able, and with how many books Tyrion has been reading and whores he’s been doing, you know that he definitely delivers in the sack. You can say anything you want about Tywin Lannister, but the man makes fine offspring. Now if only we can say the same thing about what the twins managed as their first born.

Anyway, the second season is back and there have been two episodes so far (both of which will be reviewed by yours truly as soon as my brain cooperates) and HBO has not disappoint. Everything is still as tight as the first season and with the additional characters and locations, the network is definitely going to be giving justice to the second book of the series.

• There’s a new Spartacus. This is old news but I can’t still get over the fact that the replacement doesn’t do much for me. Maybe because I got used to the old one and how he had this huge presence on screen. Maybe because I still haven’t seen the new one’s penis (I’m only on episode 5), but I just can’t look at him and think ‘leader’. Hell, Crixus with his gay porn look looks more the revolutionary at this point.

The acting has also not improved a whit. With Batiatus gone, the only people that can pull off what they’re supposed to pull off are Lucretia and Ilithyia. And I’m not just saying that because I’ve seen their boobs.

• I’m seriously addicted to Qhuay. For the uninitiated, Qhuay is a shipper term for Qhuinn and Blaylock of the Black Dagger Brotherhood, a paranormal romance/urban fantasy series written by J.R. Ward. I know that combining two people’s names to emphasize their being a couple is juvenile at best, but the amount of shit I can give about that is none, so let’s just agree that calling the two guys Qhuay is a touch of genius.

And yes, I said guys. They’re both men and they’re both over six feet, ripped, and vampires. I never thought I could root for a male/male romance, but Ward has a way of developing these two characters and stretching the anticipation that it sometimes feels like Jim and Pam. If Jim and Pam were both über sexy male vampires who look delicious in leather.

I am so into the world Ward created – as full of plot holes as it may be – and its characters that when she announced her next BDB book for 2013 will be about Qhuinn and Blay, I was ever so grateful to have something to look forward to next year. Then I had to remind myself that these are fictional characters, and that my romance novel obsession and general orneriness means now I just need five cats to be an official member of the Old Maid Society. I hear they have meetings every Wednesday. I really don’t want to become a member since I have a couple of aunts in the society already and would pay money just to not see them ever again, so I think I have to stop myself from getting some cats.

• Walking Dead Season 2 is done. And I still have some residual Lori hate going on. Gahd, that woman can drive a man to drink. But she did one better and drove two men to kill each other. Nice one, irresponsible-mother-who-always-has-no-idea-where-her-son-is-and-thinks-that-doing-laundry-is-the-only-thing-women-are-good-for-during-the-zombie-apocalypse.

And as for Rick pulling the it’s my way or the highway card at the end of the season, good for him. It’s high time these people understand what it takes to keep a number of people (half of them dumb as shit) alive. I also hope that they realize next season how it’s in their best interest to have Carol go the same way as her daughter since she has done practically nothing since I saw her save washing something, walking around, and thinking wrong thoughts about Daryl, my crossbow wielding zombie apocalypse boyfriend.

In fact, why doesn’t the show start a clean slate with everybody gone except Daryl, Glen, Rick, and that kick-ass chick who saved Andrea from the last episode? What the hell, have Andrea and T-Dog in too. Lord knows, T-Dog needs some more dialogue lest we forget he ever was in the show in the first place.

 

*sigh*

 

Now that I got those out of my system, see you when I do the movie updates again? Awesome. Will spend salivating over BDB hotties with my Goodreads peeps in the meantime.

February 24, 25, and 26 Bacolod and Iloilo City Cinema Schedule

I can apologize for the lengthy absence but we both know you barely noticed it, so let’s just jump right into it, shall we?

Good.

 

Robinsons Movieworld Iloilo

Cinema 1                   Beauty and the Beast in Digital 3D (P200.50)

Cinema 2                   Jack and Jill (P120.50)

Cinema 3                   This Means War (P120.50)

Cinema 4                   Ghost Rider 2  (P130.50)

Cinema 5                   Unofficially Yours (P120.50)

Cinema 6                   Drive (P110.50)

 

Robinsons Movieworld Bacolod

Cinema 1                   Beauty and the Beast in Digital 3D / Ghost Rider 2 in Digital 3D (P250)

Cinema 2                   Ghost Rider 2 (P130)

Cinema 3                   This Means War (P120)

Cinema 4                   Jack & Jill (P120)

Cinema 5                   Unofficially Yours (P120)

Cinema 6                   Drive (P120)

 

SM City Cinema Iloilo

Cinema 1                   This Means War  (P110.50)

Cinema 2                   Jack & Jill (P110.50)

Cinema 3                   Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (P120.50)

Cinema 4                   Unofficially Yours (P120.50)

Cinema 5                   Ghost Rider 2 in Digital 3D (P250.50)

Cinema 6                   Ghost Rider 2 (P130.50)

Cinema 7                   Haywire (P100.50)

Cinema 8                   Beauty and the Beast in Digital 3D (P250.50)

 

SM City Cinema Bacolod

Cinema 1                   This Means War (P120)

Cinema 2                   Ghost Rider 2 in Digital 3D (P250)

Cinema 3                   Jack & Jill (P120)

Cinema 4                   Unofficially Yours (P120)

 

If I have to make a recommendation, ladies, there’s nothing that will get your heart pumping more than Ryan Gosling in Drive. It was hot, excellently-acted, and had Gosling beating a guy to a pulp right after a toe-curling kiss with Carey Mulligan.

Since I’ve seen Drive already, though, I was thinking I should catch Ghost Rider just because I saw the first one and I’m nothing if not a glutton for punishment. Hunger Games will not be out in about four more weeks, so I just have to content myself with whatever swill comes out until then. Of course, I can just spend the weekend enjoying the torrid affair I have with my Kindle. Doesn’t cost much and does not even require me to get out of the house.

Ah, decisions. I’m amazed at how much excitement I have in my life. *hits table with head*

December 25 – January 3 Bacolod and Iloilo City Cinema Schedule

I know no one’s sitting around waiting with bated breath for my posts, but I still feel bad that I wasn’t able to get anything up last week. Offline life, you know. It actually does exist.

Anyway, nothing much to report on the movie schedule front since from Christmas Day until January 3 next year, you have seven choices of Metro Manila Film Fest movies to watch in theaters.

Aiai delas Alas is eye and ear raping people in Enteng ng Ina Mo. Nobody knows why this talent-less waste of space is still being given projects and as long as I’m not going to be forced watching those projects, I don’t give two shits.

The Bong Revilla vehicle Panday and the ‘amazing’ *gag* special effects it has is also on. Have you guys seen Bong Revilla on Bubble Gang last Friday? Wasn’t he giving out such strong pedo bear vibes with the way he looked at Sam Pinto? (I know Sam is no longer a minor, but with the age difference, it’s pretty much the same thing.) Zip up your fly, Senator. You’re embarrassing yourself. Well, more so than usual.

Dingdong Dantes, Angelica Panganiban, and Kris Aquino’s constipated face that constitutes acting are in Segunda Mano, a movie which – as Jessica Zafra puts it – is as second rate as its title promises.

The 95th Shake Rattle and Roll incarnation joins the MMFF lineup again this year. The last Shake movie I watched was the one with Undin and loved every minute of it. I dunno how things stand twenty thousand years later, though, so let’s just assume people still die in these movies and there’s a monster or two involved.

The Asiong Salonga story is also part of the festival and apparently garnered the most awards. It stars George Estregan Jr. and was shot in black and white. You put George Estregan Jr in black and white and you will get the Best Picture award. No questions asked.

Judy Ann Santos and Eugene Domingo are in My House Husband. I won’t watch the movie, but I like the two ladies so I’ll shut up about this. You go, girls.

The lowest earning MMFF entry is Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow. A movie that stars the katulong-abusing has-been who people call Maricel Soriano. I think Gabby Concepcion and some other people are also in this movie, but with the way it’s been promoted, you wouldn’t know anyone but Soriano is in it.

So those are your choices. If you want a recommendation, I’d suggest waiting until next year when Sherlock Holmes comes out.

December 16, 17, and 18 Bacolod and Iloilo City Cinema Schedule

Now that’s what I’m talking about.

Robinsons Movieworld Iloilo

Cinema 1                   Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol in Digital 3D (P180.50)

Cinema 2                   Immortals (P120.50)

Cinema 3                   Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol (P120.50)

Cinema 4                   Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol  (P120.50)

Cinema 5                   Won’t Last a Day Without You (P120.50)

Cinema 6                   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 / New Year’s Eve (P120.50)

 

Robinsons Movieworld Bacolod

Cinema 1                   The Lion King in Digital 3D (P250)

Cinema 2                   Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol (P120)

Cinema 3                   Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol (P120)

Cinema 4                   Immortals (P120)

Cinema 5                   New Year’s Eve / Won’t Last a Day Without You (P120)

Cinema 6                   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1  (P120)

 

SM City Cinema Iloilo

Cinema 1                   New Year’s Eve  (P110.50)

Cinema 2                   Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol (P120.50)

Cinema 3                   Immortals (P120.50)

Cinema 4                   Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol (P120.50)

Cinema 5                   Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol in Digital 2D (P220.50)

Cinema 6                   Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol (P130.50)

Cinema 7                   Won’t Last a Day Without You (P120.50)

Cinema 8                   The Lion King in Digital 3D (P250.50)

 

SM City Cinema Bacolod

Cinema 1                   Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol (P120)

Cinema 2                   Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol in Digital 2D (P220)

Cinema 3                   Won’t Last a Day Without You (P120)

Cinema 4                   Immortals (P120)

 

Enjoy this, my love, because it’s the last week of the year for foreign movies. Come Christmas Day until about the second week of 2012, it’s going to be Metro Manila Film Festival galore. So that plus the fact that all my favorite shows on TV are on winter hiatus, it seems like I should be hibernating for at least a month. What the fuck am I supposed to amuse myself  with in the coming three to four weeks? You think I should tackle gardening? Start painting perhaps? I prolly should hang out at Starbucks more often with a long stick and poke anyone who doesn’t use their inside voice.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. There’s still some Mission Impossible awesomeness in store before the year ends and we all know how we need some Simon Pegg geekiness to get us through the usual lonely Christmas. And since my mother decided she’ll just wait for the DVD of Won’t Last a Day Without You instead of dragging me to the theater, no eyeraping happened last weekend. That’s some serious silver lining for you.

December 9, 10, and 11 Bacolod and Iloilo City Cinema Schedule

This schedule depresses me.

 

Robinsons Movieworld Iloilo

Cinema 1                   Arthur Christmas in Digital 3D (P200.50)

Cinema 2                   Immortals (P120.50)

Cinema 3                   Won’t Last a Day Without You (P120.50)

Cinema 4                   New Year’s Eve  (P120.50)

Cinema 5                   The Road (P110.50)

Cinema 6                   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (P140.50)

 

Robinsons Movieworld Bacolod

Cinema 1                   Arthur Christmas in Digital 3D (P250)

Cinema 2                   New Year’s Eve (P120)

Cinema 3                   Immortals (P120)

Cinema 4                   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (P140)

Cinema 5                   Won’t Last a Day Without You (P120)

Cinema 6                   The Adventures Of Tintin / The Road (P120)

 

SM City Cinema Iloilo

Cinema 1                   Happy Feet 2  (P120.50)

Cinema 2                   New Year’s Eve (P110.50)

Cinema 3                   Immortals (P120.50)

Cinema 4                   Won’t Last a Day Without You (P120.50)

Cinema 5                   Sigwa in Digital 2D (P180.50)

Cinema 6                   The Road (P130.50)

Cinema 8                   Arthur Christmas in Digital 3D (P250.50)

 

SM City Cinema Bacolod

Cinema 1                   Immortals (P120)

Cinema 2                   Arthur Christmas in Digital 3D (P250)

Cinema 3                   Won’t Last a Day Without You (P120)

Cinema 4                   New Year’s Eve (P120)

 

You notice what they did to The Adventures of Tintin? One week and it’s relegated to sharing a movie theater with another film. They each get two screenings a day, doncha know? And I blame you for this. Wait what? Yes you. If you just got off your ass and watched the movie, then SM and Rob won’t decide to take it off the schedule like they did with 100 Days of Summer. I hold you responsible for this. And if you think I should have gotten off my ass and watched the movie on its first week as well and that I’m also partly responsible, then you’d be right. I’ve been slapping myself at random moments since I saw the new sched. My mother has been asking me what’s wrong. But what does she know? She’s been obsessing about the Sarah Geronimo movie since it came out and now I have to take her. I have to admit that part of the slapping myself has to do with knowing Won’t Last A Day Without You is in my movie viewing future. Dammit.

Anyway, new epis of Suburgatory and The Big Bang Theory Later, so will get to cheer up I guess. Time for some Sheldon Cooper and Jeremy Sisto therapy.

 

December 1, 2, and 3 Bacolod and Iloilo City Cinema Schedule

Sorry, I totally spaced. My offline life took me away for a bit and I just forgot I needed to reassure you that – as we had hoped – we’re almost done with this Twilight part of our year.

Robinsons Movieworld Iloilo

Cinema 1                   The Adventures Of Tintin in Digital 3D (P200.50)

Cinema 2                   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (P140.50)

Cinema 3                   Won’t Last a Day Without You (P120.50)

Cinema 4                   The Adventures Of Tintin  (P120.50)

Cinema 5                   The Road (P110.50)

Cinema 6                   Happy Feet 2 (P120.50)

 

Robinsons Movieworld Bacolod

Cinema 1                   The Adventures Of Tintin in Digital 3D (P250)

Cinema 2                   Won’t Last a Day Without You (P120)

Cinema 3                   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (P140)

Cinema 4                   Happy Feet 2 (P120)

Cinema 5                   The Adventures Of Tintin (P120)

Cinema 6                   Bangkok Ghost Stories (P120)

 

SM City Cinema Iloilo

Cinema 1                   Happy Feet 2  (P120.50)

Cinema 2                   The Adventures Of Tintin (P120.50)

Cinema 3                   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (P140.50)

Cinema 4                   Won’t Last a Day Without You (P120.50)

Cinema 5                   The Adventures Of Tintin in Digital 3D (P250.50)

Cinema 6                   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (P140.50)

Cinema 7                   The Road (P110.50)

Cinema 8                   Happy Feet 2 in Digital 3D (P250.50)

 

SM City Cinema Bacolod

Cinema 1                   Won’t Last a Day Without You (P120)

Cinema 2                   The Adventures Of Tintin in Digital 3D (P250)

Cinema 3                   The Road (P120)

Cinema 4                   Happy Feet 2 (P120) /  The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (P140)

 

I urge everyone to take advantage of the few weeks we have left this year for movies you don’t regret spending money on because come Christmas Day – until a couple of weeks into the new year – you’ll have no option  but to choose which Metro Manila Film Fest movie sucks the least just so you can spend a couple of hours in the theater. Apart from Tintin, we still have Mickey Rourke in Immortals, Arthur Christmas, and the newest Mission Impossible. Oh, and New Year’s Eve as well, but if it’s anything like Valentine’s Day, I’d rather wait for Enteng ng Ina Mo. At least with that movie, I’ll be eye-raped by a Filipino filmmaker.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to start my weekend right with some homemade ice cream and The People Under the Stairs.

 

November 25, 26, and 27 Bacolod and Iloilo City Cinema Schedule

The week has been pretty uneventful except for the Make Your Own Havaianas event in Robinsons Bacolod which happened last week, so again, the week has been pretty uneventful.

Robinsons Movieworld Iloilo

Cinema 1                   Happy Feet 2 in Digital 3D (P250.50)

Cinema 2                   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (P140.50)

Cinema 3                   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (P140.50)

Cinema 4                   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (P140.50)

Cinema 5                   Tower Heist (P110.50)

Cinema 6                   Happy Feet 2 (P120.50)

 

Robinsons Movieworld Bacolod

Cinema 1                   Happy Feet 2 in Digital 3D (P250)

Cinema 2                   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (P140)

Cinema 3                   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (P140)

Cinema 4                   Happy Feet 2 (P120)

Cinema 5                   Tower Heist (P120)

Cinema 6                   Bangkok Ghost Stories (P120)

 

SM City Cinema Iloilo

Cinema 1                   Praybeyt Benjamin (P120.50)

Cinema 2                   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (P140.50)

Cinema 3                   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (P140.50)

Cinema 4                   Happy Feet 2 (P120.50)

Cinema 5                   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (P220.50)

Cinema 6                   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (P140.50)

Cinema 7                   Tower Heist (P100.50)

Cinema 8                   Happy Feet 2 in Digital 3D (P250.50)

 

SM City Cinema Bacolod

Cinema 1                   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (P140)

Cinema 2                   Happy Feet 2 in Digital 3D (P250)

Cinema 3                   The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (P140)

Cinema 4                   Happy Feet 2 (P120)

 

As you can see, the cinemas have taken pity on us and included other options for this movie weekend. Mumble and the rest of the penguins are back and the Ben Stiller-Eddiy Murphy heist flick is also on. As much as I would like to see either of the ones I mentioned, though, I have to be strong and resist since I’m still technically unemployed and should watch what I spend lest I end up losing all respect I have for myself by being the equivalent of the stereotypical loser in American movies who lives at his parents’ basement and plays with himself all day. I have nothing against playing with yourself but basements are scary.

Things should look up next week, though, so I’ll be able to catch Immortals and The Adventures of Tintin as they come out. It’s been a while since I’ve been to see Mickey Rourke and we all know how every girl needs her Mickey Rourke fix once in a while for purposes that would be a bit personal to share here. *wink*

And of course, Tintin has Edgar Wright as one of the screenwriters and both Nick Frost and Simon Pegg are in it so there’s just no way a Blood and Ice Cream Trilogy fan can miss it. The director is also some guy named Spielberg and I heard he has done some decent movies. Guess I have to see for myself.

 

There might be one more movie coming out next week, but I sure as hell won't spend money looking at Budoy when I can do it for free.

 

Happy weekend, pipol!

Review of Attack the Block. It’s Brilliant, Innit Bruv?

Sitcoms and series have been the focus of my viewing this year. There are just more interesting stuff on TV than in movie theaters. The one or two that were really worth the money I paid for in movie tickets were established franchises with a cast that guarantees brilliance. X-Men First Class, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, etce-fucking-tera.

I saw tweet after tweet after tweet from Nick Frost and Simon Pegg a few months ago, but always thought it was about an initiative or a social service something. I had no idea why those were my first guesses, but they shouldn’t matter that much anymore since the error has been rectified – I’ve seen the movie already and I agree with all the glowing praises heaped upon it.

Attack the Block is about five teenage boys who find a just-landed alien creature while they are mugging a young woman (Sam, a nurse who turns out to be their neighbor) on her way home. The creature, which is described as a ‘nasty little Gremlin’ by one of the teenagers, attacks the group’s leader, who – after a quick pursuit – kills the creature with a little help from his friends. The creature is not alone, however. Soon after, a fair few others land in the neighborhood. The problem is, the new arrivals are bigger, meaner, and seem to take a liking to the five teenagers and the block they live in. What follows is a fun ride where the heroes are the hoodies that steal from defenseless women on dark streets and the woman that we first meet as a victim becomes her muggers’ allies.

The thing is the beauty of the movie is not its story – although that part is cool in itself – but its characters. The boys first come off as ‘motherfucking monsters’, but as the story progresses and you’re able to tell them apart, you start rooting for them and have fun in the process. Note that they’re still motherfucking monsters because of the mugging and the overall disrespectful attitude towards almost everything, but the film makes you like the characters without making you forget what they were doing at the start of the movie.

Dennis is the ‘maangas’ in a moped who picks a katana as his weapon.

Awesomest line:"It's raining Gollums."

Jerome is the sensitive guy in glasses who’s polite – well apart from the mugging – and seems pretty sweet.

Awesomest line:"It's too much madness to explain in one text!"

Biggz is the mama’s boy with huge hair and the only one of the group who doesn’t seem to own a pair of wheels.

Awesomest line:"What's your phone doing on silent at a time like this, bruv?!"

Moses is the leader. The one who likes his scars and comes off as the strong silent type.

Awesomest line: "Go home. Lock your door. Do your homework. Watch Naruto."

Pest is the adorable baby-faced kid who can’t seem to shut up. He’s also pretty useful with his fireworks and is undoubtedly the funniest of the bunch. He describes the first alien as something that looks like Dobby the house elf, then calls the new ones ‘big gorilla wolf muverfuckers’. He tells Sam off when she uses too many F-words as being a ‘potty mouth’, then flirts with her.

Awesomest line: "You'd be better off calling the ghostbusters. luv."

The supporting cast also does a great job of keeping the pace energetic and the mood light. But the best bits of the movie that don’t involve the five main characters are when the two nine-year-old boys are on. Probs and Mayhem (as they want to be called; real names: Reginald and Gavin) are the cutest pre-adolescent potty mouths with criminal tendencies. You can’t help but hope someone’s gonna make a Probs and Mayhem spin-off.

The film has been praised for its actors’ portrayal of South London youth culture, and since I have never been, I’m just going to take their word for it. For someone like me who learned English watching American shows and movies, and was introduced to British English through Richard Curtis written and directed films as well as Harry Potter, Attack the Block can be pretty difficult to understand.

Apart from the usual teenage London slang like wooly van and all the others I’m sure I missed, there’s also the accent and the persistent use of ‘bruv’, ‘fam’, ‘cuz’, ‘blood’, ‘y get me?’, and ‘innit?’ in almost every other sentence. It felt a bit like a foreign-language film the first few minutes of the movie. Once you get used to the accent and the pronunciation and the vocabulary, however, they all add to the overall coolness factor. I’m not sure if the lines the teenagers used would have worked as well in a posh British accent.

The film has also affected my opinion regarding hoodies, and I just would like to remind you that this opinion is based on nothing more than British movies I’ve seen and not at all on experience. Eden Lake (a movie starring my future husband Michael Fassbender) made me feel scared of hoodies with the way they butchered my dearly beloved in the film. After watching that movie, the impression I got was British youth who favor the garment can be in any corner waiting to tie you and your boyfriend to a tree and take turns kicking your face in. One could argue that not all hoodies in British cinema are portrayed as violently – Edgar Wright has the teenagers helping Simon Pegg defeat the NWA in Hot Fuzz.

I know a lot of people have slammed Attack the Block because they can’t find any reason to root for miscreants, but I see the film as an assurance that should aliens decide to pick our planet as their mating resort, hoodies can rise up and use their katanas and baseball bats and bangers to help save the world.

If you’ve seen the film and wondered why it felt a bit like Shaun of the Dead, it might be because Nira Park and Edgar Wright produced the movie. And the fact that Nick Frost is one of the supporting cast does add to the Cornetto trilogy team feel as well.

Attack the Block is the best sci-fi/action movie to come out this year and there’s just no excuse for missing it. If you’re reading this and haven’t seen the movie yet, Attack the Block is out now on Blu-Ray and DVD so you can buy or rent a copy. If you think it’s not worth much of your time and you’d rather be waiting for the release of the new Twilight movie so you can watch it ten times in one weekend, then I’m not sure why you even read this post. Run along, Twihard, you’re ruining my Attack the Block high.

Some Twilight Bashing To Brighten Up Your Day

A friend sent me a link to this video a long time ago, but I was feeling a bit Twilight-y today and thought what better way to cheer myself up than by posting some hilarious creations inspired by the world created by our generation’s best writer, Stephenie Meyer. If you’re not sure if I’m being sarcastic or not, go hang yourself.

And as an added bonus, here are some excerpts from a great comedy site, Cracked, retelling the Twilight books in a way that’s actually more interesting than the actual books.

Regarding Twilight:

Three hundred pages after “Oh, you like me too? No way, I thought you hated me!”, the plot arrives late to the party, drunk, in a beat-up ’53 Chevy pick-up truck. It drives away about fifty pages later and crashes into a tree, gets sent to the hospital, and is rarely heard from again throughout the course of the series.

About New Moon:

She finally regains Edward’s attention after she deliberately jumps off a cliff and almost dies. Edward, being a thirteen-year-old girl, thinks Bella has died and goes to Italy to commit suicide. He attempts to do this by exposing himself to the sun at noon in an Italian town. Since sunlight doesn’t actually harm Twilight vampires, one must assume that Edward is hoping some macho Italians will see him in at full sparkle and beat him to death for being gay.

On Eclipse:

Halfway through, Stephenie Meyer realizes that Jacob Black is far cooler than Edward and performs a quick character assassination by having him mouth-rape her. Bella punches him and runs away, but later discovers she loves him, which teaches us more lessons:

1) If a girl says she doesn’t love you, just keep sexually assaulting her. Eventually she’ll realize she likes it.

2) Leading two guys on for years because you ‘love them both’ is perfectly acceptable, as long as you feel really bad about it at some point.

And on Breaking Dawn:

At this point the reader is filled with something not unlike calm relief. At least nothing, nothing in the world, could be more disturbing than this. Except, like, quasi-child porn or something. Luckily, of course, that would be entirely–

Then Jacob falls madly in love with the newborn baby girl.

No, we don’t mean in the sense of ‘Oh, I fell in love with that kitten the moment I saw it’. We mean in love love. Really, what we’re trying to say–and let us know if you don’t understand–is that Jacob the borderline rapist and the tiny baby vampire chest-burster are going to get married and have babies.

What Jacob did, Meyer explains, was “imprint” on the baby. Imprinting, in the Twilight universe, is what happens when a werewolf finds his soulmate. It means that the two of them are now destined to be together, no matter what. What if the girl is unwilling at first? Too bad, because she isn’t any more! It’s the psychic equivalent of GHB.

The whole article is one LMFAO experience, so click here and read the entire thing.

My First Pottermore Visit

I registered for Pottermore on the sixth of the seven days it was open for early registrants – that was August 12th. I just got my Welcome Owl, but no complaints here since I declare it to be – so far – what I imagined it to be and more.

Upon entry to the site, the first thing I noticed was how cool it looked. Reminiscent of J.K. Rowling’s website where things look real/unreal at the same time. I know that description sucked but my vocabulary is limited and I’m just doing this post while I’m waiting for the site to Refresh. It goes ‘We are sorry Pottemore is unavailable right now’ every few pages, so heads up on that.

Most of the things on the site are pretty easy to understand and I hope I do not need to make isa-isa each and every single thing I did and saw on the site, cause it’ll grieve me if my readers are more idiotic than I am. I’ll just go through the stuff that popped out for me.

• The Experience. I went on the site planning to (1)go to Ollivander’s (2)buy a wand and (3)get Sorted. Pottermore had other plans for me. When the site mentioned they will make you relive the magic of the Harry Potter world, they weren’t kidding. You have to start at the very beginning, on the steps of Privet Drive, and work your way through each chapter and moment in the first book until you reach Diagon Alley, get your Galleons, and buy all your school requirements.
• Add-Ons from J. K. Rowling. One of the many reasons I’ve been dying for my Welcome Owl is the promise of additional material from Rowling. In this, she does not disappoint. From the first chapter, you are treated to tidbits in varying sizes, but with the same degree of reaction from me – Awesome! (I told you – very limited vocabulary). Here are some general ideas of what you may be learning when you’re on the site:

1. The reason behind ‘Number 4 Privet Drive Little Whinging’
2. Wands – their core and the woods
3. When James met Vernon

Reading these small but very entertaining additions to my Harry Potter knowledge is enough to get me by the rest of this no-doubt-stressful week. I’m sure it’ll be as awesome with you.

I’ll add an update as soon as the site gets back up (it’s been down for more than twenty minutes). Last time I was on, though, I was able to let my Wand choose me. Here’s a shot to get us all by until I get Sorted.

UPDATE: I’m now officially a Ravenclaw. I was expecting it, but you really can’t fault someone who’s a huge HP fan to want to be in Gryffindor.

Have you already been Sorted as well? Add me up on Pottermore: PotionShadow174.